Without knowing what's in your mind, I am attempting to communicate to you my feelings, suddenly without having to take into consideration what you might feel.
I must admit that I do not know how to act. I consider myself the biggest fool on earth.
So, I have like others, different states of mind at different points of time. I feel that my status of mind wobbles a lot, more often than what could keep me sane. That is why, I always doubt my sanity.
Don't go into details or jump to conclusions without thinking for yourself.
I know I sound stupid. But I am stupid.
Now, my state of mind is close to being crazy. I have made some terrible mistakes and regret about them. Deeply regret them. So, as Thoreau said: "to deeply regret is to live afresh'. so i am trying to live afresh.
I have many friends but still I am a man of solitude. I love solitude. Of late, for the sake of my love of solitude, I have been hiding too many of my thoughts inside my head, which got into my subconscious.
Now that I am a little retrospective, that subconscious thoughts are troubling me a lot.
So, I thought for a change, I 'll modify my attitude to feel better.
Our system or atleast that system which I know, has taught us to dream but forget. Dream only to that extent in which you have no part to play. Reality is very different, they say.
But many times, there were many sources of inspiration which told that you have to follow your dreams and that is the way to fulfill your destiny. It is, here, apt to refer to "The Alchemist" by Paulo Cohelo, which you ought to read. Yes, it is an important book for everyone to read. In case you can't find the book, I will for the time being give you the sentence which forms the basic theme of the book: "When you desire something, all of the Universe conspires in helping you to achieve it." This, I find close to what I think is the only law on which the Universe and all its constituents operate, indefinitely.
Also Thoreau said: "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams, live what you have imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the Universe become simpler". I believe in all that Thoreau had said. Is'nt it after all what we want: simplification?
Many people think they know what they are supposed to seek in life. I wonder.
I used to believe, everything will turn up the way it should and gave no importance to the efforts I personally exercised. I am disappointed as many learned people still say that you are not going to change the world.
I also had believed in some point of time in the past that my destiny is predecided and I am just going to blindly play the game.
Most part of my life, almost always, maybe even now, I thought and with a slight doubt believed that I am special. I am not like others. May be every next person feels the same. So eventually, I end up being a normal ordinary usual person.
So, even if I think I am unique, psychologically I end up being the same other person.
I have read many books, and I had many theories going on in my mind. I accepted all that I thought was wise in each of them. You realize or not, every thing and every being is associated with some kind of philosophy or the other.
I, at many times thought, I was about to discover some fundamental, basic fact, which was so obvious as to be neglected. I thought I am just about to find the most intimate secretly kept Truth about the Universe. But I always stopped at some point and never carried the same thought again.
I still, however, think that my core purpose in life is to discover that Truth. Am sure I will discover it. Not only me, you and all others will discover it. The difference among all, however, will be, whether you accept and love it or fear and avoid it.
I will choose to accept it. and that too, in all good humour.
Good bye forever.
(Written: September 09, 2004, Never Delivered!)