yesterday, i realized what a sucking loser i am. yet again, that is.
the beginning of the day was sort of good. i saw her after a long time, that too pretty closely. i was near the staircase, about to walk up to the food court and she was coming from the opposite direction from the ICICI ATM. she surely saw me and God knows what she thought.
to give a little background, after having been unaffected with the opposite sex after my last crush about a couple of years ago, i started noticing this pretty face really after a long time. although there are too many chicks and babes who seek attention at my work place, this pretty face was way too different. at least that's what seemed to me. although i might have seen her many times before, i noticed her only after a long time. it was during the commuting in the local RTC buses, that I got my eye on her. since i am into poems, i wrote one for her. this became a personal favorite of mine and i showed it off to my friends. the feeling didn't grow much at that time. however, suddenly i realized that i had a crush on that pretty face. may be the feeling grew gradually in the sub-conscious. but, i never got serious with the stuff. once or twice i had a dream in which the pretty face became my partner. man, that was some dream!! i was not, nor am very desperate myself. well yeah, i wrote another poem with the theme of her name's meaning. actually, her name in Sanskrit meant a celestial Star, and my poem was a Sonnet to that particular star. i even put my poems on the Bulletin Board, thought if she's intelligent enough, she'll understand. and that intelligence in a girl really turns me on. nothing happened. God and she only know if she read them, and if she did, whether she understood them.meanwhile, she began noticing that i have been eyeing her. this made life more miserable, but also exciting.
coming back to yesterday, again in the afternoon i was with my gang having tea at the food court. normally i never see her in that time. but as luck would have it, she comes down to fill my heart with a yearning to talk to her. i kept looking at her intermittently as she sat on an opposite table a few yards away, facing me. she did notice me looking at her, i am sure of it. and again, what she might have thought about? who cares? well, i departed when i thought for today it was enough. getting to see her sometimes is a great motivation to come to the workplace.
then in the evening, i started off a little earlier than usual since i had to go to my grandmother who was alone at home. i rushed off and went to the building 2 where i needed to drop a cheque to pay my never ending credit card bill. as i was entering the building, she was coming out of it. she was pulling over her sweater over her shoulder when she walked past me.i took my time to put my cheque into the dropbox. i was quite nervous, lest i get to see her again before the day ends. i then walked towards the main gate at my usual pace. then i got into an auto rickshaw. i sat in the front seat beside the driver. then she came along across the road. she came over and stood about three feet from the auto i sat in. unfortunately, my auto was filled but for one seat on the other side of the driver. so, the auto guy waited for some guy to come before he could cruise to the main road. it was atleast 3 minutes. i was just a few feet away from her. i saw her into the eyes more than once, i believe. man, if you ask me if there is God, i can't say, but i can tell you there is an Angel and that's her. the angel was standing on the footpath and i was sitting in an autorickshaw. the look in her eyes was so puzzling. i couldn't make out if she welcomed my presence in that proximity or just hated the idea altogether. then some cruel guy came out and occupied the empty seat in my autorickshaw and then we departed.
some moments later in the bus stop, i was standing, waiting for a bus or an auto. the traffic was stopped by the police as the CM was going thru that road. this meant that there won't be any buses and autos coming for some time, till the dignitary leaves the locality. then, the angel came again, this time looking more like a fairy. the fairy slowly walked past me...she crossed me...and my heart beat doubled for a split second. only once before did i have this kind of feeling, back in college. this was a sign of weakness. such a frail, poor, ugly being i am!!!
i did not even look at the direction she was standing. but i realised she walked too far, out of my immediate reach.i just waited for sometime, then got into an auto and fled the scene. i noticed that she was observing me while i got into the rickshaw and in a strange way smiled to herself. may be even she realised what a loser i am.
i actually felt torture when my auto started moving. i felt worthless. i had been praying for such an opportunity, where i could start a conversation with her. damn, i haven't had the nerve to take the initiative. i can't forgive myself for this. i will never fulfill my life, thanks to my appetite for losing.
all thru the last evening, i had my mind in a turmoil. i felt i was fixated on the image of her cherubic face. let every one hear me say that on a dark winter evening, a miracle had happened, a prayer has been answered, an angel with the prettiest face i ever saw had come down, and i simply lost the reality of the situation, only to get lost in dreams some other time. i knew i was failing myself again. but i couldn't help it. i did the thing i always did best, i gave up a chance.
yeah you know my name, i am Mr L.O.S.E.R.
Nov 8, 2005.