Random Thoughts
Hello. I just wanted to write down what's running through my mind presently.
I have been living life, always trying to figure out some kind of puzzle: the meaning of my life and the reason for my existence.
I had believed and still believe that the one single cause, purpose and reason of my life is my mother. Without her, I wouldn't have been born, wouldn't have done any good thing, in essence, I wouldn't have a life without her.
I do respect my father and love him with all my heart. I think I grew wise enough to understand my relationships. To me, the one person I would be prepared to die, even if you ask me at the next minute after you read my essay, it would be my mother. She is the single most important person in my life.
But then, beyond the emotional and sentimental values, there must be something reasonable for other parts of my life. I have depended, shamelessly like a parasite on my friendships to live away, especially the past few years. If I had no friends in these times, I do not know what would I have done to myself, given the pessimistic approach I have of the world and life.
Now, before finally getting back to what exactly is happening in my head, I have a few more words to share. I want to define a couple of words that might have same sense when looked at superficially, but have tremendous difference when you look in detail. The words are: "loneliness" and "solitude".
Solitude is something I adore and have always wanted in my life. I always fantacised of getting wrecked on a ship I was sailing and marooned on an island. The only things left to me being a huge set of books. I love solitude, being all alone for myself, contemplating on my real being. It doesn't mean I cannot be in solitude when I am living amongst people, I don't need to be isolated per se. All I need is to be myself and be with myself for some time.
On the other hand: loneliness. This is a feeling when you start missing something in life. You may be amidst with many people, living with them, spending most of the time with them. But when you try and get some sleep at the night and ask yourself, what's missing, you have an answer: "everything that has meaning to me".
So I am currently in a state somewhere between being solitary and lonely.
I am a spiritual person and I believe in god. I have my love for philosophy and the finer things in life like poetry and music. But there is something I am missing. Some feeling deep inside me, screams and shouts aloud, defeaning my ears that this is not what I wanted or dreamed of.
May be I should quit my job and go back to my home and then possibly I will know the meaning of life. I could probably sense at every minute the need of my existence, the importance of my being, the reason of my passing time each minute.
As I read in a cartoon book today: "Every now and then I feel justified for the reason of my existence." And when the frequency of this feeling is too often then I can sense my true worth and value myself, by body, mind and soul.
I have been living life, always trying to figure out some kind of puzzle: the meaning of my life and the reason for my existence.
I had believed and still believe that the one single cause, purpose and reason of my life is my mother. Without her, I wouldn't have been born, wouldn't have done any good thing, in essence, I wouldn't have a life without her.
I do respect my father and love him with all my heart. I think I grew wise enough to understand my relationships. To me, the one person I would be prepared to die, even if you ask me at the next minute after you read my essay, it would be my mother. She is the single most important person in my life.
But then, beyond the emotional and sentimental values, there must be something reasonable for other parts of my life. I have depended, shamelessly like a parasite on my friendships to live away, especially the past few years. If I had no friends in these times, I do not know what would I have done to myself, given the pessimistic approach I have of the world and life.
Now, before finally getting back to what exactly is happening in my head, I have a few more words to share. I want to define a couple of words that might have same sense when looked at superficially, but have tremendous difference when you look in detail. The words are: "loneliness" and "solitude".
Solitude is something I adore and have always wanted in my life. I always fantacised of getting wrecked on a ship I was sailing and marooned on an island. The only things left to me being a huge set of books. I love solitude, being all alone for myself, contemplating on my real being. It doesn't mean I cannot be in solitude when I am living amongst people, I don't need to be isolated per se. All I need is to be myself and be with myself for some time.
On the other hand: loneliness. This is a feeling when you start missing something in life. You may be amidst with many people, living with them, spending most of the time with them. But when you try and get some sleep at the night and ask yourself, what's missing, you have an answer: "everything that has meaning to me".
So I am currently in a state somewhere between being solitary and lonely.
I am a spiritual person and I believe in god. I have my love for philosophy and the finer things in life like poetry and music. But there is something I am missing. Some feeling deep inside me, screams and shouts aloud, defeaning my ears that this is not what I wanted or dreamed of.
May be I should quit my job and go back to my home and then possibly I will know the meaning of life. I could probably sense at every minute the need of my existence, the importance of my being, the reason of my passing time each minute.
As I read in a cartoon book today: "Every now and then I feel justified for the reason of my existence." And when the frequency of this feeling is too often then I can sense my true worth and value myself, by body, mind and soul.
-Siddartha Pamulaparty
Feb 16, 2007.
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