A part of Life at 26
God knows I tried my best to learn the ways of this world, even had
inklings we could be glorious; but after all that's happened, the
inkles ain't easy anymore. I mean - what kind of fucken life is this?
The above lines are from the first page of the book "Vernon God Little" by DBC Pierre (real name Peter Fineley). The book won the Man Booker Prize for the year 2003. The "DBC" in Mr Fineley's pen-name stands for DIRTY BUT CLEAN.
Well, I read it about 4 years ago, then why am I posting this now? Well, definitely not a review of the book. Just that I got the same feeling which I got several times before, looking at the life "at-work".
You can say it is a kind of frustration and possibly because of stress. Not physical. I would prefer to call it psychological stress rather than "mental" stress, if only there is a difference between the two words, the way I perceive it. Mental stress, is common in almost every walk of human life. This particular category which I fantastically term as psychological might be a version of the mental stress, I intend to use it here, to depict the specific scenario where the "Shit Happens". (Well that's from the book I mentioned, first section of it is called "Shit Happened"!).
The funny part of the kind of stress I am talking about is that the reason and cause of this stress cannot be attributed to any one particular event. In fact I guess this a cumulative feeling of all shitty things that happen to you and that happen around you!!
Indeed in the past 26 years of my life, I have tried like Vernon, to "know the ways of the world". And to some extent I must say I succeed.
While in early teen years, on the roof-top of my home in Warangal, I was gazing at the Stars in the sky and sometimes saw some of them falling and in a stupid way, I believed, what I ever ask at that moment will come true. And of course I asked for stupid things to happen.
Also, I used to think about life and death and was just asking questions to myself on the purpose of my life. I could not entirely answer the question then, but somehow remained content with some of possible answers and was capable in behaving normally.
Then, in graduation, I guess, I learnt some stuff from the profs and my friends about the societal world although I was still weak in some details of observing and understanding complexities of people. I did waste my "brain" with stupid thoughts which might have been a little too early and illogical set of trains. Overall, four years of learning to prepare for life and to get close to answering the questions of life, philosophy and logic, but not quite there yet.
First step in the outer world, when I traveled to Chennai, welcomed with a dirty look. I almost questioned everything I believed firmly so far and was greatly depressed. Several times in the beginning there, I had experiences of deja vu. You know what? I attributed them to my FATE and told my friend that I think I am on the path of my destiny and somewhere close to it, hence I should be content and just go with the flow. I had I think spent the best time with myself during the one and half-year here. I read quite a few remarkable books during this time, the important one's being: The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, Walden by Henry David Thoreau, "A text book of Western Philosophy" by (forgot the author name), Brhadaranyaka Upanisad, few dialogues of Plato, and The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Amidst my contemplations, I thought I discovered the complete path to Self-Realization (and hence liberation) in the most logical way. I also was able to coin several aphorisms, which I used to stick on the walls for me to think more about them in depth when I looked at them. However, during the last few months there, I kept everything aside and believed firmly in what I read in Alchemist, "when you desire something, the entire universe conspires in a way that you achieve it." (Note: I am currently debating on this statement within myself).
Later, life moved on, I stepped into another realm of the Universe. Work. First two years of the job, I had experienced apprehension, unrest, excitement, complacence, enthusiasm, frustration amongst many other odd feelings. For a period of time, for an year or so the "stupid" in me woke up again, only this time the stupid thoughts seemed so logical than before. I do not argue now about this, because these "thoughts" and "feelings" were much more matured and natural than the earlier phases of my life and for the first time, I felt they made sense. But there was conflict, like in everything else. Somehow that period is over, with mild..hmm no rather very strong reminiscences, even now. There are things I learnt of course, while moving my accommodations, meeting new people and making friends and also, developing strongly some convictions, which I was rather too shy to consider accepting before.
Now, after almost 4 years into earning phase, and 26 years of my presence on some part of the world at all times, I do think that I know enough about how the world works in general. I guess I learnt a lot in last 4 years than what I learnt in the past 22 years. Of course, this new level of knowledge has definite foundation in various conscious or subconscious thoughts in my earlier life.
I believe it is now time, to really and finally do what I Love to do and re-set my priorites in the most rational and sensible way possible. It is also time to pay back to the world for what it had offered me so far. But this is not something which is going to happen in an instance or overnight. I merely initiate the process now...it might take a few years or a couple of decades to complete.
I am certainly sure, I will atleast live long enough to see it complete, or at least to that extent where my contributions and my work is done, before I die.
I will perhaps write about, what I consider, this most important part/phase of my life, somewhere in the future whence I can see the things in clear light.
-Siddartha Pamulaparty.
Aug 6, 2008.
inklings we could be glorious; but after all that's happened, the
inkles ain't easy anymore. I mean - what kind of fucken life is this?
The above lines are from the first page of the book "Vernon God Little" by DBC Pierre (real name Peter Fineley). The book won the Man Booker Prize for the year 2003. The "DBC" in Mr Fineley's pen-name stands for DIRTY BUT CLEAN.
Well, I read it about 4 years ago, then why am I posting this now? Well, definitely not a review of the book. Just that I got the same feeling which I got several times before, looking at the life "at-work".
You can say it is a kind of frustration and possibly because of stress. Not physical. I would prefer to call it psychological stress rather than "mental" stress, if only there is a difference between the two words, the way I perceive it. Mental stress, is common in almost every walk of human life. This particular category which I fantastically term as psychological might be a version of the mental stress, I intend to use it here, to depict the specific scenario where the "Shit Happens". (Well that's from the book I mentioned, first section of it is called "Shit Happened"!).
The funny part of the kind of stress I am talking about is that the reason and cause of this stress cannot be attributed to any one particular event. In fact I guess this a cumulative feeling of all shitty things that happen to you and that happen around you!!
Indeed in the past 26 years of my life, I have tried like Vernon, to "know the ways of the world". And to some extent I must say I succeed.
While in early teen years, on the roof-top of my home in Warangal, I was gazing at the Stars in the sky and sometimes saw some of them falling and in a stupid way, I believed, what I ever ask at that moment will come true. And of course I asked for stupid things to happen.
Also, I used to think about life and death and was just asking questions to myself on the purpose of my life. I could not entirely answer the question then, but somehow remained content with some of possible answers and was capable in behaving normally.
Then, in graduation, I guess, I learnt some stuff from the profs and my friends about the societal world although I was still weak in some details of observing and understanding complexities of people. I did waste my "brain" with stupid thoughts which might have been a little too early and illogical set of trains. Overall, four years of learning to prepare for life and to get close to answering the questions of life, philosophy and logic, but not quite there yet.
First step in the outer world, when I traveled to Chennai, welcomed with a dirty look. I almost questioned everything I believed firmly so far and was greatly depressed. Several times in the beginning there, I had experiences of deja vu. You know what? I attributed them to my FATE and told my friend that I think I am on the path of my destiny and somewhere close to it, hence I should be content and just go with the flow. I had I think spent the best time with myself during the one and half-year here. I read quite a few remarkable books during this time, the important one's being: The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand, Walden by Henry David Thoreau, "A text book of Western Philosophy" by (forgot the author name), Brhadaranyaka Upanisad, few dialogues of Plato, and The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho. Amidst my contemplations, I thought I discovered the complete path to Self-Realization (and hence liberation) in the most logical way. I also was able to coin several aphorisms, which I used to stick on the walls for me to think more about them in depth when I looked at them. However, during the last few months there, I kept everything aside and believed firmly in what I read in Alchemist, "when you desire something, the entire universe conspires in a way that you achieve it." (Note: I am currently debating on this statement within myself).
Later, life moved on, I stepped into another realm of the Universe. Work. First two years of the job, I had experienced apprehension, unrest, excitement, complacence, enthusiasm, frustration amongst many other odd feelings. For a period of time, for an year or so the "stupid" in me woke up again, only this time the stupid thoughts seemed so logical than before. I do not argue now about this, because these "thoughts" and "feelings" were much more matured and natural than the earlier phases of my life and for the first time, I felt they made sense. But there was conflict, like in everything else. Somehow that period is over, with mild..hmm no rather very strong reminiscences, even now. There are things I learnt of course, while moving my accommodations, meeting new people and making friends and also, developing strongly some convictions, which I was rather too shy to consider accepting before.
Now, after almost 4 years into earning phase, and 26 years of my presence on some part of the world at all times, I do think that I know enough about how the world works in general. I guess I learnt a lot in last 4 years than what I learnt in the past 22 years. Of course, this new level of knowledge has definite foundation in various conscious or subconscious thoughts in my earlier life.
I believe it is now time, to really and finally do what I Love to do and re-set my priorites in the most rational and sensible way possible. It is also time to pay back to the world for what it had offered me so far. But this is not something which is going to happen in an instance or overnight. I merely initiate the process now...it might take a few years or a couple of decades to complete.
I am certainly sure, I will atleast live long enough to see it complete, or at least to that extent where my contributions and my work is done, before I die.
I will perhaps write about, what I consider, this most important part/phase of my life, somewhere in the future whence I can see the things in clear light.
-Siddartha Pamulaparty.
Aug 6, 2008.
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